I
recently stumbled across some of my old blog entries from high school and it
was definitely an interesting experience. In addition to being mortified at
just how emotional and dramatic I was (the joys of being a teenager….) I was
struck by a fascinating fact. I was really stupid when it came to my own
sexuality.
For
those of you who didn’t know me in high school, I came out as bisexual at
first, and even that took a while for me to accept. I had always had crushes on
girls growing up; the first one I concretely remember was in third grade. She
was the most popular girls in class and, boy, did I want to be her friend! As I
grew older, these crushes became more and more intense. I found myself becoming
confused, forcing myself to think that I merely wanted to be their friend and
that was only because they were so nice to me, or so pretty, or that I admired
them. I didn’t want to admit that my feelings may be deeper. So I didn’t. I
managed to do a fairly nice job of ignoring the fact that what I was feeling may
not be ‘normal.’
I
even went so far as to trick myself to believing I had crushes on guys. I was
never attracted to them but whenever I thought of a boy as a friend, I
immediately pounced on the idea that maybe I was feeling more. In my fantasies,
the guy would always do some big public stunt to show his affection, like
singing me a romantic ballad…show tunes style. Because in addition to being a
lesbian, I am apparently also a gay man. However, there was always a catch. In
the ‘audience’ of this performance, there was always the girl(whoever she was
at the time) sitting there watching and I would think to myself, “I wonder what
she would think if he did that…” Like I said, I was pretty thick when it came
to my personal acceptance.
Back
to the story at hand though: blog entries. Particularly of note was when I
began dating my only ‘long term’ boyfriend in high school. I say long term
meaning that we dated for approximately six months which was a whole five
months longer than any other boyfriend I had had. My entries would start out
innocently enough, “oh my boyfriend is so sweet…” but then the occasional entry
like this would pop up. And I quote:
Then, his hands start sliding
toward my pants and he starts playing with the string that holds them up. He was
acting like he was trying to get them undone. God, we weren't even making out
at the time! I pull his hand away ever so subtly, and what does the genius do?!
Goes for my chest. Then we start kissing, but as I am irritated beyond all
reason, I'm not really into it. (Oh 17 year old me…)He goes for my
pants again, and I make up some excuse about how tired I am
I’ll pause here
for a moment so you can laugh at me.
You good? Okay…
I
mean…come on…There are times when I really wish someone had just said to me,
“Look, Alexis…You are gay. You are….rainbow-onically gay.” It would have saved
me a lot of inner turmoil (not too mention many bad drunken decisions…er,
YOLO?). But the truth is, you really can’t come out for anyone. You can’t tear
someone from the closet if they aren’t ready to come out. It never ends well.
Unfortunately,
when I came out as ‘bisexual’ it spread around the school like wild fire. Well,
I mean, it would have if I had been more popular. What did happen though is
that I was robbed of the opportunity to come out on my own terms by having some
of the people I had come out to come out for me to other people. I’m not bitter
about this necessarily but it does make me sad that I missed an important part
of my coming out process. Coming out is extremely important for a queer youth.
You are terrified that the ones you love are suddenly going to stop loving you.
You practice over and over again in your head exactly what you are going to
say, who you are going to say it to, and when you are going to say it.
However,
I did get to come out as a lesbian all on my own. And the universal reaction?
“Yeah…yeah, we totally figured,” and “Called it!” Apparently, my loved ones
were a lot more aware of me than I was. Hmm, I wonder if it may have been the
blog entries….or perhaps it was the total disinterest in guys…Well, one of the
two.
This
blog entry is not necessarily to tell my coming out story. I’ve done that
before in different forms and fashions, both in person and on ‘the net.’
Rather, I wanted to talk about how complicated sexuality really is. Was there a
reason why it took me so long to realize what was obvious to everyone else?
Perhaps. As I said, sexuality is complicated. It’s very hard to realize that
what you are feeling may be more intense than what other girls are feeling for
other girls, particularly in the age when the ‘girl crush’ is readily accepted.
I know many women who identify as straight who admit to having in girl crushes,
having made out with girls before and sometimes who have gone farther with
girls. And yet, they still identify as straight and for a good majority of
them, I believe they are. May there be one or two who I think may actually be
bisexual but just isn’t ready(and may never be ready) to admit it? Maybe. But
it’s not for me to say. If someone identifies as straight, even if you think it
may be the result of denial, it’s really not your place to say anything. I’ve
been known to tease some of these straight girls before, but the truth is, I’m
only joking. I respect their decision to identify as they see fit.
While
I’m on the subject, there is another frustration I have. I have a friend who I
will not identify who I suspect may be getting ready to come out to me. This
person seems to have already come to terms with it themselves but for whatever
reason, has only hinted at the subject with me. And it’s freaking killing me. I
just want them to do it already! But, I cannot, and will not, approach them and
say, “Sir or Mam, I know. I know you are rainbow-onically gay.” It needs to be
an experience that they have.
This
has become more much rambling and tangical than I originally planned in my head
which probably means it’s a good place to stop for the night as I have now been
up for 20+ hours. So, I’ll leave you with this: Respect people’s right to
identify as they see fit and YOU have a right to identify as you see fit.
However, you also need to make sure you are being honest with yourself.
Self-denial will never lead to happiness.
